Depression: My Journey In and Out of the Pit

Sharing my journey

I guess I mostly felt the need to write this post because had I known a little more about depression and how many people struggle with it I might have gotten help a little earlier.  It has a stigma attached to it.  People with depression are weak, right?  Wrong!  I think anyone that truly knows me knows that I am not a weak person.  In fact, my doctor kept using the word brave to describe me when I first went in to get help.  At the time I couldn't figure out why she was using that word, but looking back at it I completely understand.  The stigma associated with depression keeps people from seeking treatment and admitting they have a problem.  After all, when I was first diagnosed I felt shameful and didn't feel justified in having depression.  I thought only people that suffered tragic losses dealt with depression.  I hope that I can help others that are struggling with it.  My goal is to be completely transparent and an open book!
Falling into the pit
I'm not sure when the depression crept in.  I think I slowly began to struggle with it when I became a mom.  As most of you know, Scott has different days off than me (for the most part).  He works every Saturday, but used to have every Sunday off (except 1).  This summer that changed and he now only gets two Sundays off per month (sometimes only 1).  I've always struggled with his work schedule, even before we got married, but now that I have Bailey it's become harder to accept.  At times I feel hopeless that we will never be a "normal" family.  By "normal" I mean a whole family with common days off.  I know I can't complain because many families are separated by oceans for months to years, but it is my struggle. 

It became very apparent to me when Scott's new work schedule started and the new school year began that something was wrong.  Almost every day I would come home and the first thing I would do was sit down on my kitchen floor and cry.  Some days I would even utter the words, "I hate my life".  Which to me felt like I was saying, "I hate my daughter.  I hate my husband.  I hate my family and friends.  I hate God."  But none of these statements were true.  I did hate how I felt so hopeless, how every day life seemed to be so hard, how exhausted I was all the time.  From August to December I dealt daily with anxiety attacks, stomachaches, headaches, fatigue, and would forget conversations that I had with my husband just a few minutes earlier. It was so frustrating and I felt like every day I would say, "I think something is wrong with me."  I'd paste a smile on my face and do my best to make it through the day. I love to exercise, but by the end of a long day of teaching the last thing I wanted to do was go to the gym.  Fatigue was weighing me down.  I didn't feel like an adequate teacher, mother, friend, or wife.

I had fallen into a dark pit and couldn't see the light.  I knew I was in the pit, but I wouldn't ask for help.  Scott would tell me on a daily basis to go to the doctor and I would just put it off.  Maybe somehow I knew subconsciously what the outcome of a doctor's visit would be, so I avoided it like the plague.  Eventually the pit grew too dark to stay.

Cry for help
Psalm 34:17-18  When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of their troubles.  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 
My regular daily prayer since August was "God change something.  Change my heart or change my life situation, but change something."  Every day on my commute to work I would repeat that over and over, sometimes through tears.  I did the typical Web MD thing to research my symptoms and see what was wrong with me.  Finally, one night I sat down on my bed and told Scott, "I think I'm depressed."  My mom also suggested I get my thyroid levels checked as there is a history of thyroid problems in my family.  So I went to the doctor and blubbered my symptoms as tears ran down my cheeks, fully expecting her to say it was my thyroid, but the first thing out of her mouth was, "You are depressed".  I continued saying, "I don't know why I'm so tired and anxious", and she repeated, "Because you are depressed."  She prescribed me some medication and suggested some therapists for me to visit with and she also had my thyroid levels checked.  She wound up diagnosing me with hypothyroidism, too.

Climbing out of the pit
At first I was relieved that I finally had an answer for all the symptoms I had been having, but then I felt shame.  I didn't understand why I was depressed. I hadn't suffered any tragedies, I had a beautiful daughter and a supportive husband.  I had a loving family and friends.  My life was for the most part pretty great, but after doing some research and talking to friends I learned that depression is a lot more common and it has to do with a chemical imbalance in the brain, but people just don't talk about it. 

After getting my medication the pharmacist told me I should start feeling better in about 6 weeks.  After 6 weeks on my depression medicine I noticed the difference and Scott could definitely tell a difference!  I now am no longer dealing with the anxiety attacks, stomachaches, headaches, or fatigue on a daily basis like I was 6 weeks prior.  I walk with a pep in my step!

Accepting the pit
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  
God had heard my cries and answered prayers.  It took about 4 months of struggling with the anxiety attacks, stomachaches, fatigue, feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness to finally come out on the other side.  I firmly believe that I was to experience all of those things so that I could grow closer to God.  I leaned on him and trusted that he would hear my cries and answer me.  I know that God has His own timing and that there was a reason for me to experience this. There have been times in my life that were extremely difficult and at the same time I was closer to God than I have ever been.

Staying out of the pit
I know that it is something I still will struggle with.  Depression will pull me back into the pit to say, "Hello!", but my visit does not linger longer than a few hours.  Before getting help, a visit to the pit would last weeks.  Besides medication, spending time with God through prayer and devotionals, getting exercise, and enjoying my new (photography) and old (soccer) hobbies help me.  My parents are amazing, as well!  They offer any time I need it to take Bailey so I can have some time to myself.  Accepting help is key! 


Psalm 30:11 You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.
One night as I was reading my bible I just cried big, alligator tears.  I was reading the various verses that I have posted above.  A few months earlier these alligator tears would have been tears of hopelessness and sadness, but these were cries of joy because God had helped me out of the pit.  I had called on Him and He had answered me!